You know that feeling of wanting to shut the world off, put your headphones on, and all you’ve got in front of you is a notepad, pen and your laptop? That was me last night.
The last few weeks have been so full of ups and downs, so much so that I’m about to get personal. I’m about to let my inner thoughts out, no barriers at all and just say what I need to say. This post is essentially me rambling on about my life and why Southampton is no longer my home.
I’ve talked about this before on the blog; quite a while back if I remember, and I kept some things out.
When people hear about what I’m doing to help others, there’s this light shone on me regarding my actions to changing lives, and yet, I’m trapped inside a house I’m meant to call home and it quite simply isn’t.
Volunteering has not only developed my soft skills for work, my blog related events/content; it’s also impacted the way I see things. Volunteering has given me drive and hunger to live a life, where the little John’s of the future, don’t have to go through what I’ve gone through.
Now, I do want to point out, there are many people worse off than I am, and yes, we all take that for granted at times, but this is my story and I want to tell it. I want to tell you things that only a few of my close friends and a few family members know.
I don’t feel like a Sennett. I feel like an outcast.
I’m a high-achiever for a Sennett. Despite everything I’ve done as a volunteer, it’s not seen or recognised by those I’m meant to call my family. My dad constantly goes on about my employment history since I’ve left school, and completely disregards things I’ve done for others.
Maybe I’m not meant for employment. Has this been considered?
The whole generation separation is clear in the household. I tend to stick to modern ways in how to do things, where to go, what sort of things I like doing, and it’s not apparent to the majority of my family that I want to be free. I want to live the life I want the way I want to.
When I saw the latest installment of the Fast and Furious franchise, the entire series (which is incredibly long!) talks about family. Family in the film doesn’t mean their biological family, but those who are there for them. I don’t feel my family are my family. They’re not there for me like a family should be. When I go and have a meeting or I’m volunteering, my dad’s words iterates the unpaid nature of my actions.
Unpaid actions are the thing I’ve got to be thankful for!
Volunteering has given me a life I never thought I would, a bright future, a voice to speak up about my life and what I experience. Quite simply, over the last 4 1/2 years, I thought my dad would understand that. I thought things were on the up, but it’s the same crap I’ve been going through for so long!
I come home from meetings, days out, photography sessions with either my uncle or fellow bloggers, and I feel trapped. I’m the happiest when I’m not in my current address, and this shouldn’t be the case.
Running down the stairs last week, after finding out my mum collapsed, I was there. I took pretty much a week off to look after her, and yet when it happens vice versa, not much happens. Not much happens when I want my family to be there, and that’s why I have a backbone, I don’t dare to hold back. I don’t want to hold back these thoughts, as someone out there will relate.
Your biological family will always be your family no matter what, but it’s not the family I want. I want to know that the future Mini Me’s will be brought into a life full of life, full of opportunity, and full of support.
I’ve been in the same house for 25 years now, and it’s time for a change. I took time out from my wish to move to London to focus on the blog, but it’s now time to move. It’s time to move and to live a life I’ve been craving for, for so long.
I want to be in a house, where I can feel safe, where I can feel like myself and I can have a shower! My parents are hoarders, and it got to a point a few years ago, I struggled to get in the bathroom. I struggled to even move, as there was so much stuff around, that the only time I could have a bath was when I had a serious knee injury. I haven’t had a bath or shower in my house for years! I have to stand in my kitchen, and wash.
My gym’s shower has become a luxury!
I shouldn’t have to go through this! I shouldn’t have to come ‘home’ to not feel like it’s my home. I want my home to be my safe haven, a place where I can chill and relax, where I can invite my friends around. I can’t tell you the last time I had friends round here. Even people I’ve dated previously haven’t wanted to be here.
So, this is part of the reason I don’t want to be in Southampton anymore. It’s part of the reason why I volunteer and blog so much. Sitting in front my laptop every night for a few hours to talk to many via twitter chats, gives me a sense of freedom. Gives me a sense of purpose. When I write a post, I feel alive.
It’s the same with volunteering. Being out and about not only means I’m not in the space I don’t feel comfortable in, but it gives me an opportunity to make sure others live a life they want.
This isn’t the life I want. Being out there, travelling to all these cities and towns, meeting bloggers for drinks and meals is what I want. I want a life where I’m in a city full of atmosphere, full of culture and full of opportunity.
I want to know that my future has a meaning. A meaning that uses my personality, my thoughts and my actions to change lives. I’m in a dump of a house, where I now call it a place I sleep, not my home and in time, things will change. Things will change for the better and I can live the life I want.
So if you’re reading this and have ever questioned who a blogger is based on their content, don’t! If you’re a charity, who has based their perception on a piece of paper, don’t! You never know the full story and what someone might be going through behind closed doors.
From me to all of you out there, do what you want. Life the life that you want! Visit where you like! Meet who you like!
Most importantly, don’t change who you are to please others! Live life with freedom!